I'm so tired of looking in the mirror and seeing dead eyes look back at me. I'm starting to split in two about what I want to become. Half of me wants to change the world through love, and the other half wants to see the world burn. I'm currently standing at a crossroads and can't walk both roads anymore... I have to choose. I either have to remove my mask or become it, and both of those ideas terrify me. To take off my mask I would have to both cleanse my soul and leave my shame with God... and i have issues with not picking it back up again. the concept of it not being on my shoulders anymore doesn't really click with me... and I'm not sure how to do it. Is it a metaphor that i have to forgive myself? Becoming my mask would mean i would throw my life away and become anger and hate... those are the things I hide away. I hate Johnny and people like him for what he did to my sister, and I'm mad at the world for allowing him to live...
This is what i mean by hiding behind masks... I preach forgiveness but inside I want Johnny to suffer for what he did. I want him to hurt and I want him to die and I want to be the one to carry it out. That is my mask... I hate the world for hosting a legion of Johnny's but I want to hope so bad that it doesn't have to be that way... That through love no one else has to go through what me and my family went through. But the pessimist in me isn't sure it can happen...
I just don't know anymore...
But I'm pretty sure i took off my mask... if only for a moment...
Maybe there's hope yet...
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When I think of all the people in my life who have hurt me, half of me wants to love them completely, unconditionally; to say "I forgive you" (and mean it) and rid myself of the burdens I carry. And then half of me wants to punch them in their stupid-freaking-faces and tell them all to go to hell.
ReplyDeleteAnd half of me wants to go to college and get a degree, buy a house with a big fenced-in yard and live comfortably.
And the other half of me wants to take my life and my (future) money and my (future) degree and give them away, because that same part knows that a life lived for personal gain will leave me empty, broken, and entirely separated from God.
And so this is my mask. It's easy for me to tell people to forgive so-and-so and to love everyone, and yet it's so hard for me to do the same. And I can tell people that material things mean nothing and that we should give our lives completely and without hesitation, and yet part of me still longs for the life I am trying to cast away. And I have no problem calling someone out for being a hypocrite, yet here I am.
Maybe sometimes we put so much energy into reprimanding people for acting a certain way or into fighting against a certain way of thinking that we don't notice when we starting thinking/acting that same way.
"Be careful, lest in fighting the dragon you become the dragon."