Got No Strings To Hold Me Down

Okay, my last post was kind of depressing, but the good news is this one might not be!

I took a step yesterday. And this time in the right direction!

okay, story time.

so I'm sitting in church, listening to stuff i feel as if I've heard my entire life (pretty much have) and feeling nostalgic i go to what was once the youth room. (no longer in use due to no more youth... or at least no one tells me when or where the meetings are anymore. anyway i went in there and was going to read a little bit but then i got to thinking. i thought of how God scared the ever loving crap out of me, but i realized i was more scared of the path i was heading down. The one that ends up in me dying. so i stretched out on the orange carpet (it looks as bad as it sounds, but it's fitting at the same time) and looked God in the eye... or at least that's what i was aiming for. i told Him He scared the ever loving crap out of me and that i didn't want to change. i also told him that what i wanted wasn't what i needed and what i needed was to be what He wanted me to be... expected of me. then i did something i hadn't done in a while... i looked at myself in a mirror and held my own gaze. all the shame, the brokenness, the hate... and i decided to love myself. that was my first step... hopefully the first of many.

i felt at peace for the first time in a while... it wasn't big and flashy, it wasn't all consuming, but it was what i needed.

for now, my smile isn't plastic...

i haven't broken the mold yet, but i think it might be cracked.

if you guys get tired of the mask symbolism let me know and I'll cut it out.

until next time...