putting the MAN in mannequin

okay, i figured it was time for an update since i haven't done any updating in a while...

my sister Emma has been taken by social services to a foster home and i don't know if I'll ever see her again

my mom is talking to someone in Colorado... the last Internet relationship she had, the guy ended up scarring me emotionally for life... or at least I'm still trying to get over it...

my step dad beat up my mom

he is also suspected of touching Emma

the more i read about how God is loving, and the more i learn about Him, the more he scares the ever loving crap out of me and the more i feel as if i can't possibly live up to the expectations

like how he wants me to forgive the aforementioned person that scarred me emotionally...

i mean i got a prank phone call the other day from a guy that sounded like him and i had a mini panic attack...

and i have problems letting that kind of stuff go...

if God expects it of me, then obviously i CAN do it... i choose not to... as if not hating him for what he did will mean I'm weak... too weak to stop it from happening again...

but all the hating I've done has just reminded me of it over and over again...

but i still don't want to let go...

so even though i want to walk the right path... I'm still walking towards the left...

which scares me even more... because i know how the road is going to end...

it's going to kill me...

more later... hopefully the drama plays i am producing will go better today than yesterday...

seeing what I'm doing might help a little bit...

I'll try and update more frequently so i don't unload a butt load of troubling things at once again, but thanks for listening...

later