okay, i figured it was time for an update since i haven't done any updating in a while...
my sister Emma has been taken by social services to a foster home and i don't know if I'll ever see her again
my mom is talking to someone in Colorado... the last Internet relationship she had, the guy ended up scarring me emotionally for life... or at least I'm still trying to get over it...
my step dad beat up my mom
he is also suspected of touching Emma
the more i read about how God is loving, and the more i learn about Him, the more he scares the ever loving crap out of me and the more i feel as if i can't possibly live up to the expectations
like how he wants me to forgive the aforementioned person that scarred me emotionally...
i mean i got a prank phone call the other day from a guy that sounded like him and i had a mini panic attack...
and i have problems letting that kind of stuff go...
if God expects it of me, then obviously i CAN do it... i choose not to... as if not hating him for what he did will mean I'm weak... too weak to stop it from happening again...
but all the hating I've done has just reminded me of it over and over again...
but i still don't want to let go...
so even though i want to walk the right path... I'm still walking towards the left...
which scares me even more... because i know how the road is going to end...
it's going to kill me...
more later... hopefully the drama plays i am producing will go better today than yesterday...
seeing what I'm doing might help a little bit...
I'll try and update more frequently so i don't unload a butt load of troubling things at once again, but thanks for listening...
later
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Sometimes I think that the two hardest things God will ever ask us to do are "Trust Me" and "Forgive him/her/them/it"
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to sit here and pretend that I understand what you're going through, that I know how it feels, etc. etc. because I don't. I just don't.
But I do know how it feels to be betrayed by someone you're supposed to be able to trust, especially when it's a family member. And I do know what it's like to live with the knowledge that a man hurt someone you love (in my case, my mother) and that you were powerless to stop it.
Sometimes when I think about all these things, it's easy to forgive - for the moment. And sometimes it pisses me off to no end. But it's times like, when I think that it is absolutely impossible to forgive that God whispers, "I did."
It's easy to think of all the people He's forgiven and sum it up as "Well, that's just God. That's what He does." Because it feels completely different, doesn't it? And it's just so easy to say "screw this" and walk around with a chip on your shoulder, hiding your hatred for that man behind a Bible and a plastic smile, because hating is always easier than forgiving.
And when you remember that God calls us to forgive, when you realize that hating someone will being you to a most unfavorable end, it makes it that much harder. Because knowing what you're supposed to do and actually doing it are two very different things.
And I wish I had some bit of great advice for you, but unfortunately this is something that I'm still working through myself.
But I think I have a book for you (because obviously the answer to all life's woes is to throw a book at it). I'll give it to David tomorrow to give to you. :]